Compromise is when both people get some of what they want or one person gets what they want and the other person is okay with that choice.
Sacrifice is when one person gets what they want but the other person is NOT okay with it. They agree to it with resentment.
Expressing agreement with your partner helps build trust and connection. The expectation is that there is a mutual desire to please (not one-sided). If a person expresses agreement more often than not, and limits the times of refusal, refusals become meaningful and are more likely to be respected.
If an "if only" creates a learning opportunity, learn from it and move on. Reflecting in a negative way about an "if only" without learning is negativity and has no value. Same thing with "what if". We tend to believe that the "if only" and "what if" would result in a more positive experience than currently present in our life. The outcome of an "if only" or a "what if" is unknown and will never be known. Use it for planning and creating options, not as a negative reflection of the past, present, or future.
When we say "should" we are creating an opportunity for shame that isn't helpful in guiding our behaviors. "Could" is about choice. Empower yourself and those around you with options. Replace "should" with "could". It feels better.
Don't be with the person who makes your heart flutter, be with the person who calms your heart. If possible have both!
If you are identical you won't fit together. However, you want to be part of the same picture.
Worry is our brains way of saying something needs our attention. When worry enters the thought process, choose to plan instead. If the worrying concern comes to fruition, execute the plan. Feeling stressed doesn't change the outcome.
When we accept that we can't do it all, we can start to choose what to do. Be purposeful and intentional. Dealing with the unknowns and the unfinished is the daily challenge of life.
Stress of feeling overwhelmed can come from taking on too many responsibilities, having too many options, and accepting things that just aren't okay with your value system. You will get done what is most important, one task at a time. Reduce your stress by focusing on that one thing: be intentional.
Selfishness is viewed as a bad thing; however, if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of others. Make sure that there is balance of meeting the needs of the self with meeting the needs of others.
Each day we can choose to do something differently than the day before. We can learn from our uncomfortable moments. Turn disappointments into action to choose a different way of thinking or acting and positive emotions can follow.
Communication between you and your partner is unique to the two of you. Figuring out what works for you is important. These are some ideas that have worked for some of my clients.
When there is something important and/or sensitive that you want to discuss with your partner, consider timing, tone, and tact in order to have the best possible chance of a successful conversation:
Timing: everyone has times in their day that are not good for anything stressful. Know your partner's timing and approach them when they are most likely to be receptive.
Tone: how you speak is important. Know that voice, facial expressions, body language all contribute to the potential interpretation of the listening. Be calm, maintain a non-threatening volume, and choose to be face-to-face at the same level.
Tact: the words you use make a difference. Use tentative language that opens the door to more possibilities for a resolution. Avoid attacking "you" language. The problem belongs to both of you.
In order to have a productive conversation it is important to stay focused on the issue at hand. Defensiveness, dismissiveness, and deflection are all ways that we try to avoid addressing the problem that has been presented. If your partner exhibits these behaviors, acknowledge what they have said, and then bring them back to the presenting concern.
When we become stressed about something, we frequently want to place blame. Sometimes that doesn't help, especially when the person we want to blame doesn't have any more control over the problem than we do. We can solve problems without placing blame. Focus on the situation and how it can be improved without putting the blame on any specific person. When we address problems in this manner we are working with others to find a solution instead of working against one another by placing blame.
Sometimes when we are approached by our partner with something that feels negative, we are quick to become defensive. Before responding, consider that you might need more information about what your partner is saying. Sometimes the problem is something that hasn't been said but needs to be addressed. Seek to understand how they are feeling and what they want before responding. When we seek to understand we exhibit empathy, slow down the emotional responses, and can come to a resolution to the presenting concern more effectively and with more kindness.
Our communication is full of phrases with multiple meanings but literally and figuratively. When a couple's relationship is having difficulty it can be important to say what you mean and mean what you say instead of talking around something by using sarcasm, teasing, joking, or avoidance. If you are asked to do something that you don't want to do, it might be better to be honest and kind instead of agreeing and then "forgetting" or not "finding the time" to do the task.
To do unto others, as I would have them do unto me
To succeed, for I understand example is the best means of helping others to succeed
To have a main goal as a means of success
To plan the minor goals, as steps to the main goal
To know that by constant planning and checking the steps ahead, particularly the near steps, the goal will be reached by the shortest route
To be honest for to cheat to advance one single step, is to lose all
To glory in the battle, abhor self-pity, and to smile.
To win now the step just ahead!
It shall be done